A Jewish Rabbi once said
A person should carry two stones in a pocket at all times,
On one should be inscribed
“i am but dust and ashes” and on the other
“for my sake the world and all that is in it was created”
and each one should be used as needed.

I have been pretty much captivated by this thought for most of the week because it seems as though everywhere I look, people are holding on to the wrong stone, listening to the wrong internal voices.  They’re not the only ones… I do it too.

I wasn’t a popular kid. I had a circle of friends – mostly other good kids from youth group. I wasn’t a rebel (though I did experiment with tobacco in the school grounds one time),  I was never much good at breaking rules and the popular kids seemed better at that than me (short skirts, anyone?).

Yeah, not popular.

When you live in that zone you blossom at every bit of attention from someone in the popular crowd even though deep down you know it’s stupid to care that much about it.  When you live in that zone you tell yourself that the reason you’re not popular is that you actually aren’t that special and you don’t deserve it…

Then you leave the school yard, and you find yourself in a much bigger social circle, and while the challenges of navigating a new social scene remain similar it’s a little easier to find your niche in a different crowd.  It takes a while, because the underlying self talk still gets in the way, still sabotages you from time to time…  But as you get older you realise that everything is meaningless… particularly where it relates to what people think and you just put your head down and do your thing, you’re much more comfortable being exactly who you are and the people who don’t get that can go get jumped on, because really… who cares?  Maybe you’ve started to figure out just which stone to apply when.

I feel like I have.

So fast forward to now, and here I am standing up in front of a crowd, they’re enjoying what I have to say, and they approach tentatively afterwards to talk about what they’ve heard… and it’s then that I hold the stone that calls me dust and ashes. Because this distance between a speaker and a crowd is bullshit. This ‘famous’ thing is meaningless and it isn’t fame… or popularity, or being in demand that’s any kind of important… and while it’s nice to be in demand let’s be real, it is here today and gone tomorrow. It is meaningless*.

But then there are times, when I’m standing on the precipice of something awesome, when there are new possibilities opening and new  friendships, a change, a challenge, an opportunity and if, while I stand there I’m holding the ‘dust and ashes’ stone I’ll be quite likely to shrink back… thinking that there could be no possible reason something this good, this scary, this massive could be being laid out for me.

Which is also bullshit… because, ‘the world and all that is in it was created for me’ – and why, on earth, should I consider that I am undeserving?  I’m no less deserving than you… or the person next to you. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and so are you. You deserve EVERYTHING, love, laughter, passion, adventure and joy.  I deserve it. We all do.

And yet we still tell ourselves that we are but dust and ashes and we sabotage such things before they even begin.

Which stone are you holding right now?

And Is it the right one?

* I am at risk here of going off on a whole tear about this stupid media fuelled obsession with fame – and all these people who are no more important than we are that we look up to, that we freak out if we see them in the street and we clam up if they talk to us.  How we react in the company of such people says way more about us than them… and those of them who hold the ‘i am but dust and ashes’ stone who are the ones we should aspire to mimicking… not those who wear fame thinking that the world and all that it contains was created for them…

I’ve lost count. There have been many tests, and many results over the years. Of the ones that I remember Myers Briggs calls me ISTJ, Personality Plus calls me Choleric, I have an ID (Instinctive Drive) of 7453 and my highest scoring traits on Strengths Finder are… Intellection, Learner, Relator, Achiever and Maximiser.

So what does that mean?

It means that as someone who is Choleric, I am at my most satisfied when life, the universe is everything is in control (recipe for a stress free existence, no?), and it means that when someone uses manipulation to exert control over me I do.not react well (even if my reactions occur out of the earshot of the person pulling the strings).

As an ISTJ I have a strong sense of duty leaving me seriously motivated to finish what I start, and to do it well, without letting anything get in my way. It also means when something I start gets finished by someone else it’s a really tough gig to shake it off and move on.

The ID (High Verify for those in the know) calls me a thinker, and troubleshooter, with a natural talent for problem solving who needs to be clearly understood and listened to (and who has no problem going around things again, and asking the tough questions so that we’re clear, are we clear?)

The Strengths finder ‘strengths’ are all like they sound… Intellection… a thinker, spending significant time inside my own head… couple that with Learner and you have a thinker who’s relentlessly curious, add Achiever, and I will work at a problem until I see a result – extending that further with Maximiser means the result is nothing short of excellent – and as a Relator I prefer to be well known and to know well a select few, a trusted circle…

Handful much?

In all, these traits, for their good and ill mean that when I’m given a job to do, particularly one that captures my imagination, I will slog it out and the results will be good. Really good. It may take time but the deliverables will be worth it.

I have been working on one such piece of work, and on Monday it will be shown to the world. Frankly, this is a signature project for me, it will feature in a showcase next to work done by people I admire and I have been relentless about everything in it being as neat, clean and GOOD as possible so it will withstand scrutiny by my peers and by those above me. And frankly, when two of my code headed colleagues saw it and responded let’s say, appreciatively, about how good it was, it felt awesome to be the chick who turned the boys heads… with her code.

I can’t wait to show it you…

It will be worth the wait.

Debra’s word of the year is connect… so it may surprise you that she actually shut down her twitter and facebook accounts and is connecting [OMG] In.Real.Life.

I applaud her. So much of my connection has been done online lately. Not all of it, I’m not yet reduced to spending all day in my jammies, ordering pizza to be delivered and shuffling to the door in my slippers to collect it. But, as I spend all day at the computer, there are any number of conversations happening on Skype, group chats on the forums I work on and occasional ‘pop ups’ from friends who are working, much the same way as me, in their home offices, or in cafes and co-working spaces. I live in a seriously connected world.

But I’ll be honest, it’s easy to mistake those connections for real life relationships and to be brought up short when they’re gone. The loss of them feels every bit as real as if a friend had slapped you in the face, turned her back and walked way saying she never wants to see you again.

Every bit as real.

How do I know? I’ve been there, and have spent a good part of the last couple of months completely bemused (read sad and disappointed) that the person I’d been chatting to daily, sometimes for hours, apparently found it a lot easier to switch off our connection than I did to be the one who was being switched off from! Frankly, I’m still surprised at how deep it cut.

I appreciate that life changes, you fall in love, become a step mum, start your own business and all of a sudden all those things you used to find taking up your time become quickly relegated to bottom of the priority heap in the face of all of these exciting, challenging new responsibilities. I get it. I really do and I don’t begrudge these wonderful things happening, I applaud and celebrate them all.

What I’m most disturbed by is not that I no longer have that connection, what I’m challenged by is that it meant so much to me, and that someone could have walked away without even an explanation or a ‘see you round’. It ended on a note of ‘I’m heading out of town for a week’ catch you when I get back – and I basically never heard from her again, at least not in my Skype window, and certainly for no more than a ‘Hi’ nice of you to contact me.

So it left me asking myself, how do I know that actually, any of it was real? She could have used a pseudonym, she could have been a 60 yr old man, sitting behind a computer playing with me for all I know. And why the hell do I care?

I don’t think there are any answers. I think there are lessons. The lessons are straightforward.

Guard your heart.

Don’t assume they feel the same.

And for goodness sake, don’t call it a relationship (or a friendship) until you’ve actually met, until you know more than their handle and avatar, and until you have looked them in their eye and gauged just how genuine they are.**

Lesson learned.

** Or, have read their handwriting on a beautiful card – as I did today – thanks Debra for that and for the inspiration to blog* this!!!

*Don’t hold your breath though for much more… unless you want to head over to http://thewebprincess.com and read technical mumbo jumbo!!

This has been one of those times…

A week or two back I wandered into this shop http://www.pulpcreativepaper.com.au/ for a wee sticky (sticky beak=peek)  because it’s utterly gorgeous and has lots of pretty things, and frankly, because some days you just need some pretty.

The store always makes me think of Kerrianne who also loves pretty paper (send me your address – not sure I’ve still got the correct one – I’d love to send you a card!) and it’s a really lovely place to go and get a little bit creatively inspired.  Which, as you’ll see below, is what happened.

I got a bit captivated by these Drop Dead Cute Postcards and bought them without really any plan to use them but on the way home decided, that realistically, having postcards in the house is useless. They really do have to be posted to be called post cards.

So, I sent out the word via the twitters and the facebook inviting people to send me their address if they wanted to receive one of these arty cards and all 30 cards were snapped up within 48 hours

Also, because I’m a bit nerdy and love information, I plotted where the cards were going, on a map – See?

View The Post Card Plot in a larger map

Sigh. I heart geography.

Anyway

As I was writing the cards people offered to send me cards in return and because as much as I love making people smile with their cards, I love smiling because of receiving them! And so… some of the recipients are sending me cards as well, and here is the first – I’m blogging it, and linking it to the map so that those who played along can get the same smiles as me to see the cards other people have sent.

Sleepy Bay - Freycinet National Park - Tasmania

This is one of the things I love about the internet. It’s all about connection and that’s the stuff for which us humans have been designed. One of the things I love about the stuff you can do on the web, is actually making that connection visible.

So here you go… a page of visible, and beautiful connections, brought to you by the power of pretty paper and the collective intelligence/skillz of Australia Post and its worldwide counterparts.

Enjoy!

It’s Friday.

A client paid today. Not THE main client with the biggest outstanding bill (it’s been a bit tough out here on that issue lately… to the point I’ve been looking for real jobs…eek). At least it’s one that means I won’t have to go into overdraft to pay the rent. Blessing? Check!

My friend Mirre had a big girl, grown up, exhibition, in a real life, professional gallery, (and Akira Ishogawa was there!) I was proud on any number of levels. She’s amazing, her work is beautiful, thought provoking and healing. And she’s getting the recognition she deserves.

Two of my favourite people on the planet are about to release a book. I’m building their website. It’s going to impact a lot of creative people for good. Seriously. You’ve met him on my site before, he’s Crabman, one of the single most influential people in my world in the last 10 years. Below is the book preview video, watch it, it’s gorgeous. I’ll let you know when the site’s up.

Living With A Creative Mind from Jeff Crabtree on Vimeo.

The weather has been gorgeous. Gorgeous.

I will be home tonight. For the first time in 10 days. Home, and can cook something. I need recipe ideas… your time starts…

NOW

Video of Awesome – Gumball Wars – I came across this via Kuriositas a wonderful collection of web curiosities! I love the personality that’s visible in the gumball machines. All created digitially in Maya. So clever, and cute (and, let’s face it, retro… what’s not to love!)

Image of Awesome – Colorful Cosmos I just love the colours and the stunning clarity of this macro shot – a beautiful dandelion, wet with dew. Kind of puts me in mind of the Dr Seuss story about the Whos in Whoville (Horton hears a Who)

Surf’s Up – The Hobbit Blog – As if it wasn’t enough that I’ve got one ‘Nerd Friendly’ entry in this list, here’s another… Oh my… how good is it to keep up to date with what’s happening on the Hobbit set… I was late to any kind of appreciation of the LOTR movies, there’s no way I’m going to be late to this one…

Post of Note – Short Illustrated History of the Nerd – What every nerd adjacent person should know, just in case they get asked… “Muuum… where did I come from?!”

Reading – Gone Tomorrow (Jack Reacher #13). I have been devouring Lee Child’s ‘Jack Reacher’ novels since I came across them, either by solid real life books, audio books or the Kindle… whatever I can lay my hands on. Yes, by the time you get to number 7 or 8, particularly if you read them one after the other, they’re a little formulaic… but OMG… Jack Reacher is the thinking (and seeing) woman’s hero… *swoons*

Listening – The Sowers Group – Cheza (Dance) – [Links to iTunes]. My former singing teacher suggested via facebook that we get a posse together to go hear these guys, and given my propensity to devour any music that sounds remotely African, I leapt at the chance. I was, in no way, disappointed. Yes, they’re a God fearing/promoting band which I’m sure is a little unusual for the Basement – but the music was fantastic, whichever way you hear it, and regardless of your position on ‘faith based’ music they were utterly wonderful and left you wanting more, and wishing you weren’t white and inhibited on the dance floor!

I could blog about the cat… but then I’m firmly cemented as that crazy cat lady and I’m less than keen to be so branded.

So while I haven’t blogged, I’ve been in New Zealand for 10 days, and I have a few more to go and so I shall give you a list of things that I love about this small meek country, my homeland, just to serve it up as a reminder for you that this blog exists, and as a reminder for me that I do appreciate New Zealand enormously, not only for what it has been to me but for the great place that it is.

1. The climate, while cooler than Sydney, is a lot more universally bearable than extremes of heat often experienced in Australia… let’s face it, it’s easier to get warmer than it is to cool off…
2. Quite frenkly, I love the Kiwi eccent… I realise that mine has mellowed over the yees, and the fect that uh strong Kiwi eccent sounds almost unusual to my ears, it is a but lovely ectually!
3. I love driving around Auckland and the Waikato and finding that, while a lot has changed over years, more hasn’t!
4. I love corner dairies with spearmint leaves that aren’t covered in sugar.
5. I love that my family are all within striking distance.
6. I love that I’ve a bunch of friends I can catch up with at a moment’s notice and who it feels like it’s only been moments since last we caught up.
7. I love that it’s civilised enough that I can work from here – even though the office is 2 hours behind me!!
8. I love that NZ knows how to do good coffee. As well as, and sometimes better than, Sydney
9. I love that most cafes will serve ginger crunch, even though I won’t eat it.
10. I love that I still know my way around even though inspite of the above, I actually feel more like a stranger than a local most of the time.

There are more things, but I’m blogging from a cafe at lunchtime and I suspect I’m about to get turfed out for taking up too much space…

So today, given that I have a few days left of my stay in Melbourne, I took the opportunity to go visit the touring Tutankhamun Exhibition that’s based here for a while.

Here’s what you’ll see if you go.

Here’s what you won’t see…

Now, it helped that I’d had prior warning that some of the bigger pieces I’d have read about as a child weren’t on display, and it helped also that I’d been warned that some of the stuff was small! I’d also googled and noted that the burial hood, surely the most recognizable treasure from the tomb wasn’t Down Under with this other collection.

You also have to get your head around the fact that there are SO many people going along to see it… the sessions for viewing are carefully controlled to keep numbers flowing through, and if you want to see it after hours, it costs you more than the daylight visits. Additionally, there are a LOT of people visiting the exhibition… so if you’re not a fan of big crowds you’ll have to weigh up whether your desire to see the exhibition is greater than the fact that there is a fair bit of waiting to go past the pieces, and for that matter, waiting to get into the room to see anything!

BUT

Seriously, try and get your head around the fact that these pieces are older than Jesus… and ask yourself if you want to miss seeing them… because what you see are amazing artefacts you might never see again.

Oh, and if you really want to see King Tut’s burial mask? You’ll have to start saving now for a trip to the Egyptian Museum in Cairo.

She did, and well, dilligent, even.

I’ve never met anyone whose self esteem had taken such a hammering.  She may not have seen it in herself but she was one of the most courageous people I’ve known.  You have to be to beat down anorexia.  It’s part of her her history, and one she was encouraged to tell – as others often do, in church, to wow the crowds at the goodness of God. So she delivered, when asked to, a testimony of how her faith had made her well, and while she wasn’t exactly articulate, the pictures more than made up for the faltering words even though they were terrifying, so close to death, but thankfully, so long ago.

She worked a few cubicles away from me, and she worked in accounts. Ridiculous hours, fielding the disgruntled calls from creditors, calling in debts from the debtors.

She always said she was fine if she was asked, she turned down offers of help… not that I’d be any good at helping out with accounts… but at least I’d have been company.

She came to my house for tea, I thought she may have become my friend.

But then… she broke.

She walked into the boss’ office and quit, then walked out of the building, the church and out of my life, turning her back even on her closest friends, obviously wounded and protecting herself from further harm by withdrawing completely.

Church is supposed to be a place of solace.

It wasn’t for her.

I send the occasional text, assuming, perhaps wrongly, that her number is the same, that maybe my messages don’t just go out into the ether, maybe one day she’ll reply.

I ask after her in circles that go beyond our former workplace, just in case someone’s seen her, heard from her. They rarely have.

I’ve since left that workplace, that church too.  I’d like for her to know.  I’d still like to be her friend.

I wonder where she is.

I wonder if she’s ok.