Reflecting on my Singular Living Status

It is a strange thing that in my church there is a definite epidemic of singleness. I believe I have already mentioned the monuments to the stupidity of men, (my other single girl friends). I wish I could explain this phenomenon, instead, I’ll reflect on myself and why I, at all of 36, am still single when there is this perfectly nice guy apparently interested in me.

Am I too fearful? He sent me an SMS during the week telling me not to be scared… It was a bit random actually, I had been delayed for the evening at a meeting and didn’t respond to his first inquiry after my day. His 2nd sms said this “Don’t be scared” He may have been going for amusing and witty. I have no idea where it came from even if he had been reading this column I would still question whether I could have been interpreted as fearful?

I replied to him in the form of a question and received no reply. It was weird and while I should have, I chose not to bring it up at D2 yesterday.

D2 was nice, a drive in his new car and a waterside lunch. I enjoyed the experience but am more firmly convinced that pages of romantic history are not going to be written with our story. I think my body language may have given me away I had avoided the welcome hug and did a flit from is car when he dropped me off at home so while he had planned to meet me at church this evening today he changed his plans. Truth is, this was a good thing from my point of view. To have a strange bloke with me would invite speculation and I was not up to that particular scrutiny, not with him, not today.

I would like to be able to say the reason for the thumbs down is that I am too this or too that, or he is not this, or not that but I can’t pinpoint things with any kind of accuracy. I just know that quintessential je ne sais quoi is c’est n’est pas la.

I have too many friends who would say… “give it another shot, you could fall in love next week”… or “God, you have had a nice time on two dates… who is to say it isn’t just a question of time?”

Where does that come from? Truth to tell it ticks me off and creates more pressure. Time is precious and not to be wasted. I don’t want to waste his. Or mine wishing away the days hoping that tomorrow the bells will ring or lights will go on. I guess a shared passion does not a kindred spirit make.

That was what got me started thinking about kindred spirits earlier. I have kindred spirits, guys and girls, attractive and not, all of them utterly awesome, some of them old friends, some of them new, truth is at least one of my kindred spirits is someone I have never actually met!

I think if I felt that YGM2 was such a one then the attraction that is so overdone in the movies may be something I was prepared to wait for. But the sad fact is, (and maybe it is an indictment on my character or lack of it) I just don’t see YGM2 as a kindred spirit. Surf is, so is Tez, so are the girls … But I believe that YGM2 is not and, nice though he is, I think I would feel a lot less stressed if we went our separate ways. Meeting up with him, for me, feels less about nervous excitement… than dread. A pressure to feel something that wasn’t there for me. The thing I hate about this whole business is that it makes me feel like a real sh*t. It is so unreasonable…

Reasonable is explicable – this ephemeral, unreachable, fleeting emotional stuff is not my forte. Which brings me full circle to the reflections on singular living.

Maybe I am just to bloody good at being on my own.

Tomorrow is Monday, I will be back at work – I’ll be happier then…

I promise.