Duck

I am keeping my head down.

Our community of faith get fairly heavily involved in some major projects. Projects that have an international profile. Projects I have been heavily involved in (read integral to) in the past. The year from hell has changed all that and now I am not involved in these projects. Not involved at all.

So, tomorrow marks the latest project and while I have been sought out a bit in recent weeks to have some kind of involvment this time around I am Steering Clear.

I am Steering Clear because I want to have an out, so that I don’t have to go if I don’t feel like I want to walk back into that particular lion’s den and partly because to go back there means revisiting feelings and situations I want nothing more to do with. I’m opting for emotional safety.

This is somewhat tied up with feelings I expressed in the Knowing My Place posting actually, but the timing isn’t great for any of it. So tomorrow, I may in fact stay home and let things carry on regardless.

But then I have to ask myself, will I kick myself forever for staying away. Will I hold the finished product in my hand and go… “I should have been there”

I haven’t a clue and am very much just keeping my options open. Actually, until this afternoon I had been expecting Bet to attend with me. But today she said she is unavailable… so now my external discipline to go is no longer there and I am toying with the idea of staying in and watching CSI… To even go over the feelings involved is too draining, so this is a rather strange and unconnected post.

Sorry about that. Maybe things will be clearer later; once I have gone and faced the fear.

Or not.