Doin’ it wrong?

She said “will it always feel like this?”

I said “No”

And it’s true, it won’t. Heartbreak heals and with it you grow, and change and become a different (maybe even better) version of yourself. And you in turn, and in time, can tell someone else who asks you the same question that the feeling will pass, that you’ll feel better and that the next chapter will surprise you.

The hard thing is, that I’ve watched, and been with her, walking through 2 years of challenges, some of them of the heart, some of the body and some of the spirit and the cumulative effect of all these things is causing her to ask the really big questions. Does God see? Does he even care?

I see her and I can see the big picture. As awful as all of the swirly things in her world are making her feel I know that in the future she’ll be coaching someone else that “God will work it out, soon you will see, everything will be alright”. But even while we were speaking and I was seeing all the areas of hurt and healing that have been going on, the changes for the better that have already come about I asked myself, “if I’m feeling ok, if there are no major areas in my world where I can see God pointing to character flaws and ‘issues’ and asking me to deal with them, if I’m happy and relaxed and walking an easy road at the moment, am I doing it right?”

I wonder sometimes, if I shouldn’t be more holy, if I shouldn’t read my bible and pray more, if I’m a good enough Christian, if I’m a work in progress am I actually progressing? and so I mentioned it to my friend, a pastor, and he said, “if you’re doing it wrong, keep doing it that way” it’s working.

And then I remembered.

I’ve got almost 10 years on my friend, and in those last 10 years I’ve had times when I’ve looking at my world and wondered what the hell was going on. In college, pieces of me got broken and remade, that was hard; in 2004 my world fell apart and everything I thought I knew got turned on its head, and in 2009 my whole worldview changed where God, church and life were concerned, my faith got tested and I faced the worst fear I’ve ever felt while I learned to trust that things would be ok. That sort of change doesn’t come without angst, and in it all I realised something important.

There’s no guarantee the path will stay smooth, and it’s easy to take things for granted while it is. So I’m taking every opportunity to love the fact that right now, life is good. But I’m not going to hold on too tightly – change will come, and when it does I’ll look back at this post and remember. This too shall pass, and when it does, everything will STILL be alright.