Well; little thought has gone into posting lately. I have had many moments when the framework of a post would be born in my mind only to be complete rubbish when written down. Usually because it doesn’t sound nearly so interesting as it felt at the time…
Oh yeah… That and the fact that I haven’t been very good company lately… Ask any of my friends…
erm.. perhaps better not to…
So I finally took time out from the telly tonight to try and get to the bottom of my malaise. Particularly as I had been ever so much more than cranky all day. This was compounded by the little darlings at the office who chock up our mail server with too big emails and make it impossible for me to achieve any kind of work because it cruicifies my access to the internet… (See? Grumpy as hell… anyway, I digress…)
So, I took myself and my Precious off to the bedroom and hauled out my dusty Sketchbook to do a bit of soul searching. Ed.Using a sketchbook sounds ever so arty… complete rubbish, of course, she usually ends up writing in it rather than sketching given that she is much more text oriented than capable of rendering a recognizable image…
I put on some meditative music and began to draw.
As is usually the case I ended up writing… writing a letter actually. And as I wrote down how I was feeling I realised that the thing that had put me in this aggravated state is my anger.
Bitter, ugly, screaming, red hot, bloody, Anger.
Me.
That Furious.
Anger I had been holding onto for 3 months.
Not Good At All.
And the only way to deal with it in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone more is to forgive. Which I could argue about and justify myself against and be perfectly fair in doing so. It wasn’t my fault.
Seriously.
At All.
But that doesn’t solve the anger problem. That doesn’t make me any more pleasant to be around.
No.
Stopping the anger and choosing to forgive is the only way to go forward.
So I crawl up onto His lap and cry into His shoulder because the anger came from a painful experience and He is the only one who really knows the story.
And I promise Him I will phone home.
I think I know the feeling. I’ve also suffered from crippling anger. For a loooong time. Too long, actually. I’m sad to say that I never forgave the people who had hurt and angered me so. I just wasn’t able to. But I’ve finally learned to move on from it when I realised that they probably weren’t even giving me a second thought anymore, while my life was completely consumed with my anger towards them. I couldn’t forgive them, but I knew that I was wasting precious energy and emotion on them by being so furious. So I learned to be indifferent. Because really, when you think about it, being indifferent to people is actually worse than anything else. Harbouring anger towards them shows that you care too much.
I know it isn’t the Christian way, but for now, that’s what’s allowing me to carry on. Maybe in time I’ll learn to forgive.
God bless.
Prayers ascending.