I’m so bored with being pissed off and upset about stuff I can’t change. Work’s been challenging, you know that, and I’m more than frustrated that I can only really ever change MY reactions to stuff that goes on around me. Same for any of us really, we do what we can to encourage change, but sometimes the changing of a situation, a policy, an inujustice is just not up to us.
I’m not ashamed to admit that this really ticks me off that it’s always seems to be me that has to bend… because in any hierachical organisation sometimes we have to have a measure of trust in the leadership that ‘they know best’ and that we, the underlings, must put our heads down and do the work and let the bosses be the boss.
And so I have to deal with my reactions to the things I see from down below that are not the way I want them. It could be that I’m right but I’m nobody to be saying to my CEO or COO that they’re wrong… that would be suicide, well, career suicide, anyway… I have occasional opportunity to speak up… but I’m not currently trusting that my thoughts or words carry any kind of weight… which is a shame given that I’m one of the longer serving administrators on the staff.
So really, spending all this time being pissed off and angry is a bit pointless. Problem is, pissed off and angry for me usually turns into heartbroken, so I’ve been pissed off, angry and desperately sad. These are the sorts of feelings I’ve been working through in recent weeks, and I guess given that I’ve been in this environment for close to 10 years some kind of shift and adjustment every couple of years is to be expected. Nothing is smooth sailing forever, and it’s been 4 years since the last upheaval… So, I’m due.
And no, I’m not leaving until I know the time is right… and I’m convinced that the time isn’t right… when it is, I’ll know…
So,in the middle of all of that upheaval it’s nice to have a small diversion to colour the world a bit pinker… even if it is at the small expense of somebody else…