Singular Scene

So Singular in Each Particular

Taking Courage

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I’m a dedicated observer of human behavior. I don’t do anything about that other than make the occasional comment. I’m not a counselor, I’m not particularly concerned about changing people’s behaviour except perhaps where their actions or words affect me. But I will often observe what people do and and give some thought to why they may have acted that way or why that pattern exists in their repertoire…

Someone else who observes behaviour and goes further into discussing and writing about such things is social researcher Brené Brown. I came across her not long after her famous Tedx Houston talk took the Internet by storm (see below) and I’m posting her follow up video as well, because it is equally life changing. If you haven’t come across them before I strongly urge you to watch them.

Brené takes on issues of shame and vulnerability and advocates living life wholeheartedly and courageously, giving insight into why westerners are so addicted, medicated, overweight and miserable. She talks about why we try and numb our pain, and in doing so completely numb joy and all that’s good, as well. She talks about why we live always expecting the hammer to fall, and why we feel undeserving and unworthy.

I don’t pretend to have appropriated all of her thoughts but I am (for the most part) pretty together. I’ve made some unusually old fashioned choices (for this day and age) about how I live and while sometimes those decisions are restrictive, to be honest, they’ve set me in good stead in terms of my self esteem and the ability to live comfortably in my own skin.

Why am I sharing this stuff? Well, in recent months I’ve observed a dear friend make some radical, life changing decisions that are taking her into a whole new life, one without shame, fear, intimidation and one in which she can actually start to get in touch with her true self and it’s utterly beautiful to watch.  It hasn’t come without a price but what I’ve seen is someone having the courage to step out, to be vulnerable and to take back life with both hands. I’ve introduced her to Brené and she was inspired. I hope, if this is the first time you’ve met her and heard her speak you’ll feel the same.

Enjoy!

Safety’s just Danger Out of Place.

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Living a singular life has its benefits and it has its drawbacks, just the same I’m sure, as a co-operative one.

When you’re single you can look at look at other people’s relationships and you tell yourself just how lucky you are that life is so uncomplicated because you really are only responsible for yourself. Life is manageable on your own, avoiding the complexities of intimate relationships is part of a whole long list of strategies you have in your toolkit to manage doing life alone and staying [mostly] sane.*

But I’m pretty sure we weren’t made to be alone, just look around you – all our favourite movies are about connection. I split my sides over Crazy, Stupid, Love on the weekend. It’s an absolute cracker that tells the truth about the complications of relationships (and a half naked Ryan Gosling only adds to the movie’s appeal) … But even the unromantic movies are all about relationships… about people’s connections to each other…

And yet, here I am 44 and going home to a cat, not a lover and so I have organised my life to make it work. I have an incredible community of people around me who never make me feel as though I’m alone, nor am I ever made to feel like I’m any less given that I’m single while the larger group of them are married. I have the cat so the house isn’t empty, and I spent time and money traveling to be with the people who love me the most, my family, whose relationships are crazy complicated and part of the reason I have no cause to regret being on my own…

But I’ve been life solo a long time that when the prospect of changing things arises I’m caught on a knife edge… Safety or Danger? Do I take the leap into complications or do I retreat, keeping things on the level, minimize risk and stay with the status quo?

Who am I kidding?

I’d trade my singular status in a heartbeat which isn’t something I  usually freely admit, even to myself.

I’ve told people that I’m happy, and comfortable, and acutely aware of just how complicated life could be if I let myself go there – and it’s completely true. But it is equally true that I don’t want to do this on my own forever. Yes, in a way, life may well be less complicated now and could get more complicated if I was having to account for someone else in my world.

But given the choice between safety and danger?

F*ck it, I’d choose living dangerously… it’s how you know you’re alive.

 

*and of course, by you, I meant I…

Itchy Feet

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I have quite a time line. If I look back on the last 25 or so years I can see a recurring pattern that manifests as a regular need to make some kind of fundamental change to my world; just to keep things, well… interesting I guess…

Let me show you what I mean…

1985 – Age 17 – Leave school to embark on an adventure working for ‘the bank’ – the BNZ. Yeah, I was yet to learn about REAL adventure…

1988 – Leave New Zealand for the wilds of the American East Coast… epic. epic adventure including near miss with a very, very dubious church (read cult), the worst job I’ve ever had… exploitation and eventually crossing the Atlantic to the UK and Europe… but this period of 3 years living independently abroad was pretty incredible… the great far outweighed the dreadful.

1991 – Leave Europe and return to New Zealand… and leave small town family home to move to Auckland.

1995 – Leave working in childcare environments and move into the marvellous adventure that is Customer Service which included a move from Auckland to Whangarei.

1999 – Leave New Zealand again this time just to cross the ditch for Sydney and a 3 year course in performance vocals.

2001 – Finish my course and start full time work again, this time as an assistant to a music director.

2004 – World shifted significantly as the MD left suddenly and I was left in limbo until I got rescued with a job as Web Princess in the IT department (cue finding my niche.. woah.. only took 20 years). During this period I took on further study and got my Bachelors Degree.

2009 – Leave my full time job and embark on full time study – which coincided with surviving on full time freelancing as well.

2012 – So, now what?

Yeah, that’s the tricky part… that’s the place I’m in right now… I’m so,so itchy for something new, I can barely sit still. But what? What new thing?

I’m completely happy with the work I’m doing, and the prospect of more study is unappealing, really… and for what? I’m not ruling it out in the future… but for now, I don’t see it. What I CAN see is geographic reorganisation… I could move house… that’s incredibly appealing… leaving the flat after 5 years would be a headache… but I’d be leaving the Naked neighbour – THAT would have to be a good thing.

The zone I’m starting to find myself in is the prospect of leaving Sydney. And this is all at once terrifying and exhilarating… so the questions become… what’s to keep me here? and where could I go?

The ties to Sydney are strong, and all about wonderful friends and people I’ve connected with over the years. But these are all that’s left, really. Once upon a time I’d have never considered leaving my church but discovering God as something/someone way bigger than a building means where I go He goes. The fact that the work I do can be done anywhere is incredibly liberating and makes me feel like, right now, the sky’s the limit. Sydney is gorgeous, I absolutely love it, but I’m starting to think about the fact that there are so many other possibilities… and if I had to outline my top 5… these are them.





Am I actually making plans? No, not yet, but I’m entertaining the idea, and truth to tell, living in one of these places has been a recurring thought for at least the last year – probably longer … so it’s not beyond the realm of possibility for things to change before too long.

However, for now, I’ve a number of projects on the go that will preclude anything happening immediately, but I have to say… flirting with the idea of this kind of change is thrilling… feels like the sky’s the limit…

But, for now… to entertain me while I’m entertaining these thoughts.. tell me.. where would YOU go?

 

Two Stones

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Black & White Rocks

A Jewish Rabbi once said
A person should carry two stones in a pocket at all times,
On one should be inscribed
“i am but dust and ashes” and on the other
“for my sake the world and all that is in it was created”
and each one should be used as needed.

I have been pretty much captivated by this thought for most of the week because it seems as though everywhere I look, people are holding on to the wrong stone, listening to the wrong internal voices.  They’re not the only ones… I do it too.

I wasn’t a popular kid. I had a circle of friends – mostly other good kids from youth group. I wasn’t a rebel (though I did experiment with tobacco in the school grounds one time),  I was never much good at breaking rules and the popular kids seemed better at that than me (short skirts, anyone?).

Yeah, not popular.

When you live in that zone you blossom at every bit of attention from someone in the popular crowd even though deep down you know it’s stupid to care that much about it.  When you live in that zone you tell yourself that the reason you’re not popular is that you actually aren’t that special and you don’t deserve it…

Then you leave the school yard, and you find yourself in a much bigger social circle, and while the challenges of navigating a new social scene remain similar it’s a little easier to find your niche in a different crowd.  It takes a while, because the underlying self talk still gets in the way, still sabotages you from time to time…  But as you get older you realise that everything is meaningless… particularly where it relates to what people think and you just put your head down and do your thing, you’re much more comfortable being exactly who you are and the people who don’t get that can go get jumped on, because really… who cares?  Maybe you’ve started to figure out just which stone to apply when.

I feel like I have.

So fast forward to now, and here I am standing up in front of a crowd, they’re enjoying what I have to say, and they approach tentatively afterwards to talk about what they’ve heard… and it’s then that I hold the stone that calls me dust and ashes. Because this distance between a speaker and a crowd is bullshit. This ‘famous’ thing is meaningless and it isn’t fame… or popularity, or being in demand that’s any kind of important… and while it’s nice to be in demand let’s be real, it is here today and gone tomorrow. It is meaningless*.

But then there are times, when I’m standing on the precipice of something awesome, when there are new possibilities opening and new  friendships, a change, a challenge, an opportunity and if, while I stand there I’m holding the ‘dust and ashes’ stone I’ll be quite likely to shrink back… thinking that there could be no possible reason something this good, this scary, this massive could be being laid out for me.

Which is also bullshit… because, ‘the world and all that is in it was created for me’ – and why, on earth, should I consider that I am undeserving?  I’m no less deserving than you… or the person next to you. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and so are you. You deserve EVERYTHING, love, laughter, passion, adventure and joy.  I deserve it. We all do.

And yet we still tell ourselves that we are but dust and ashes and we sabotage such things before they even begin.

Which stone are you holding right now?

And Is it the right one?

 

 

 

 

 

* I am at risk here of going off on a whole tear about this stupid media fuelled obsession with fame – and all these people who are no more important than we are that we look up to, that we freak out if we see them in the street and we clam up if they talk to us.  How we react in the company of such people says way more about us than them… and those of them who hold the ‘i am but dust and ashes’ stone who are the ones we should aspire to mimicking… not those who wear fame thinking that the world and all that it contains was created for them…