Singular Scene

So Singular in Each Particular

Two Stones

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Black & White Rocks

A Jewish Rabbi once said
A person should carry two stones in a pocket at all times,
On one should be inscribed
“i am but dust and ashes” and on the other
“for my sake the world and all that is in it was created”
and each one should be used as needed.

I have been pretty much captivated by this thought for most of the week because it seems as though everywhere I look, people are holding on to the wrong stone, listening to the wrong internal voices.  They’re not the only ones… I do it too.

I wasn’t a popular kid. I had a circle of friends – mostly other good kids from youth group. I wasn’t a rebel (though I did experiment with tobacco in the school grounds one time),  I was never much good at breaking rules and the popular kids seemed better at that than me (short skirts, anyone?).

Yeah, not popular.

When you live in that zone you blossom at every bit of attention from someone in the popular crowd even though deep down you know it’s stupid to care that much about it.  When you live in that zone you tell yourself that the reason you’re not popular is that you actually aren’t that special and you don’t deserve it…

Then you leave the school yard, and you find yourself in a much bigger social circle, and while the challenges of navigating a new social scene remain similar it’s a little easier to find your niche in a different crowd.  It takes a while, because the underlying self talk still gets in the way, still sabotages you from time to time…  But as you get older you realise that everything is meaningless… particularly where it relates to what people think and you just put your head down and do your thing, you’re much more comfortable being exactly who you are and the people who don’t get that can go get jumped on, because really… who cares?  Maybe you’ve started to figure out just which stone to apply when.

I feel like I have.

So fast forward to now, and here I am standing up in front of a crowd, they’re enjoying what I have to say, and they approach tentatively afterwards to talk about what they’ve heard… and it’s then that I hold the stone that calls me dust and ashes. Because this distance between a speaker and a crowd is bullshit. This ‘famous’ thing is meaningless and it isn’t fame… or popularity, or being in demand that’s any kind of important… and while it’s nice to be in demand let’s be real, it is here today and gone tomorrow. It is meaningless*.

But then there are times, when I’m standing on the precipice of something awesome, when there are new possibilities opening and new  friendships, a change, a challenge, an opportunity and if, while I stand there I’m holding the ‘dust and ashes’ stone I’ll be quite likely to shrink back… thinking that there could be no possible reason something this good, this scary, this massive could be being laid out for me.

Which is also bullshit… because, ‘the world and all that is in it was created for me’ – and why, on earth, should I consider that I am undeserving?  I’m no less deserving than you… or the person next to you. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and so are you. You deserve EVERYTHING, love, laughter, passion, adventure and joy.  I deserve it. We all do.

And yet we still tell ourselves that we are but dust and ashes and we sabotage such things before they even begin.

Which stone are you holding right now?

And Is it the right one?

 

 

 

 

 

* I am at risk here of going off on a whole tear about this stupid media fuelled obsession with fame – and all these people who are no more important than we are that we look up to, that we freak out if we see them in the street and we clam up if they talk to us.  How we react in the company of such people says way more about us than them… and those of them who hold the ‘i am but dust and ashes’ stone who are the ones we should aspire to mimicking… not those who wear fame thinking that the world and all that it contains was created for them…

What you Don’t see – but What you Get.

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How many times have you had your personality tested? Or completed some kind of questionnaire that promised to give you more insight into who you really are and how you best interact with the general populace?

I’ve lost count. There have been many tests, and many results over the years. Of the ones that I remember Myers Briggs calls me ISTJ, Personality Plus calls me Choleric, I have an ID (Instinctive Drive) of 7453 and my highest scoring traits on Strengths Finder are… Intellection, Learner, Relator, Achiever and Maximiser.

So what does that mean?

It means that as someone who is Choleric, I am at my most satisfied when life, the universe is everything is in control (recipe for a stress free existence, no?), and it means that when someone uses manipulation to exert control over me I do.not react well (even if my reactions occur out of the earshot of the person pulling the strings).

As an ISTJ I have a strong sense of duty leaving me seriously motivated to finish what I start, and to do it well, without letting anything get in my way. It also means when something I start gets finished by someone else it’s a really tough gig to shake it off and move on.

The ID (High Verify for those in the know) calls me a thinker, and troubleshooter, with a natural talent for problem solving who needs to be clearly understood and listened to (and who has no problem going around things again, and asking the tough questions so that we’re clear, are we clear?)

The Strengths finder ‘strengths’ are all like they sound… Intellection… a thinker, spending significant time inside my own head… couple that with Learner and you have a thinker who’s relentlessly curious, add Achiever, and I will work at a problem until I see a result – extending that further with Maximiser means the result is nothing short of excellent – and as a Relator I prefer to be well known and to know well a select few, a trusted circle…

Handful much?

In all, these traits, for their good and ill mean that when I’m given a job to do, particularly one that captures my imagination, I will slog it out and the results will be good. Really good. It may take time but the deliverables will be worth it.

I have been working on one such piece of work, and on Monday it will be shown to the world. Frankly, this is a signature project for me, it will feature in a showcase next to work done by people I admire and I have been relentless about everything in it being as neat, clean and GOOD as possible so it will withstand scrutiny by my peers and by those above me. And frankly, when two of my code headed colleagues saw it and responded let’s say, appreciatively, about how good it was, it felt awesome to be the chick who turned the boys heads… with her code.

I can’t wait to show it you…

It will be worth the wait.

The Farewell Speech.

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It’s not without a little bit of a pause that one decides to hand in their notice after 7 years.  These days people look a little askance at someone whose résumé has such long tenure with one employer, however, they’re usually assuming someone is unambitious and unmotivated towards brighter and bigger things; they’re not seeing the bigger picture of just to whom it is this servant has been in service.

I was asked publicly early on in my time on staff to define why I loved working here and the answer has never changed.  I love serving an eternal purpose not a temporal one.  I love that people are the bottom line, not the usual bottom line of profit and loss.  Our profit is the extraordinary community of people who have gathered around the One extraordinary person of Jesus, and I will never be sorry to have given so much time for such a place.  But places and people change, I’ve changed and I owe much of that to this place, to the people who have been around my world in this time.  I’ve not only walked through pleasant and peaceful ground but also water and fire, and in all of it I’ve  grown, developed, overcome and achieved things I’d never have imagined possible. I’ve studied, learned, taught, loved, lost, lived and experienced. The value of that is immeasurable and all in all, it has been marvellous. 

Now, I have other things to learn, others to teach, and new avenues to pursue so I think it’s time.  Seven; the number of completion.  Seven years, the perfect time to leave. [Note: I found out in discussion today with our Payroll clerk that in fact, this speech was actually delivered on my 7th anniversary! Wild!]

It is with grateful thanks that I acknowledge Pastors ____ and _____ for their faith in me and the extraordinary opportunities I have had to work along side them to serve their vision; The Captain, Fish and The Great Dane, who have been the most encouraging and supportive team to work with; they’d probably say long suffering too if they were asked… Crabman and Mrs Crabman for whom there are not enough words to express my gratitude for all their love and support over some of that rocky ground. P.I.A, pastor, friend and shoulder on more than one occasion!  Dixie whose spontaneous appearances at my window caused occasional heart stoppage but were always welcome. Cove a constant friend in all those years and OzLoz a new one! Finally, Daddyof3 with whom I worked closely in those early years and who STILL rings me up for occasional help with his computer…  These people are gold.  There’ll be no other team like you anywhere, and you and all the others of you who have gone unmentioned are the reason I will always look back at this time with love and immense gratitude.

Above all of this, I wish to thank God that his purpose for both me, and this place, was worked out in my being here for the last seven years.  He has sustained, encouraged, and moulded me through my time, and to you who remain, particularly those whose tenure is just beginning, allow Him to do the same and you too will surely fly.

A Question of Faith

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I know you guys don’t keep coming back for the ‘religious’ posts, so I keep them to a minimum.  I try not to work out my faith on the blog, it’s bad enough that you all think I’m a crazy cat lady, let alone a religious zealot…

I guess I’ve been around a few blogs written by Christians, and I have to be honest, some of them are sweet, schmaltzy, ‘pie in the sky when you die’ kinds of blogs.  Guess I’m not that kind of a Christian – or blogger… I also wonder whether they’re genuine or if they’re putting on a brave face for non churchy types.  A kind of ‘throwing out the welcome mat’ or ‘hey, Jesus makes your life brighter’ advertiser.

I’m afraid the whole Jesus thing isn’t actually an innoculation against ‘shit happening’.  Would be nice – it’s also true to say that working for the church isn’t necessarily a sweeter option than working in a secular workplace.  Mate, people are people wherever you go, they do stupid stuff, and they get it wrong both in church and out.  So it begs the question, why believe in all this stuff anyway?  I mean, what difference does it make if people behave no better for it in the end?

That’s a question that makes this post different than my orignal intent actually, but I’ll follow the muse… it’s worth answering, for my own benefit more than yours… so indulge me a little if you will, or flick back to the gratuitious cat photo.

I guess the context of these thoughts has been dissatisfaction at work/church.  I think it’s good to get a bit shook up now and again so you don’t get complacent about where you are and what you’re doing but I have to be honest it feels like crap.  Especially if you’re doing what you’re doing because of some ‘vocation’ or ‘calling’.  If all the material elements of your world are out of whack it causes you to call the spiritual elements in to question…

Further fuel for the muse is that there are a bunch of people in my world who are struggling, in all sorts of areas.  Real Life isn’t matching up to what they want out of it, who they are in it, or how they feel about it.  For some of them I want to shake them and say ‘enough is enough’  stop wallowing – bitter and twisted isn’t amusing or fun or the real you, the one we love…  you have the tools and the people around you and access to help…  sort it out…

For others I wish I could translate just how much of a difference a ‘real-life’ authentic experience of a real-loving, alive and powerful God made in my world and why I think it’s the beginning of the answer for them. 

And so I come full circle to the potential of a sugary schmaltzy post… which is the complete opposite of the God I know.  He’s full fight, balls on the line, down and dirty, dust up kind of a God.  One who’ll wade in full force to a situation when he’s invited, and while he’s that kind of beefy, solid solution he’s motivated by love.  His love is so all consuming that we can barely accept it… because our frailties are so embarrassing by comparison with his awesomeness…  However, he snorts in the face of our frailties.  His love covers all of them and more…

Arrgh… as soon as you say that ‘L’ word there’s schmaltz potential… but that’s what I’m talking about… this is love that puts on the gloves in defence, one that stands his ground, one that will defend our honour, our courage and who doesn’t quail in the face of our own very real weakness.  One who doesn’t see real life and go, "here’s my magic wand, let all the bad stuff disappear"… instead one who says, "I’m sorry, I know this sucks, but here, hold my hand, we’ll go through it together, see that light? See that Hope?  That’s me too… we’ll get there and at the other end you’ll be stronger, better, brighter and braver than you ever thought possible and you’ll be able to lead other people along this same path and help them see that light as well."

So here I am, walking out the other side of a pit,  still not sure about work, still not sure about my church and some of the people in it, still not sure we couldn’t do things SO much better… but sure of the one thing, the one person that I’m doing all this stuff for, the ONE who really matters.

That’s why I bother and it’s also why I am wishing I could translate that certainty so my troubled friends could be that sure, that confident, that peaceful and that hopeful for the present and the future too.