The events of last year were resolved in the first part by a complete severence of a relationship with a family with whom, I had spent a significant portion of my waking life. (A verbose description … my apologies)
It still pains me.
I believe I will have to live with that choice for a really long time. In fact, I do not believe that there will ever come a time when I can feel trusting enough of them that I could safely get involved in their world or have them involved in mine. Even at a superficial level.
The casualties are the kids. Anyone who reads my blog will know how I feel about kids, and what great relationships I am able to develop with them and how rewarding those relationships are to me.
I hate that out there Peep, Clown and Digger are growing up, wondering where I went, why they can’t come and stay anymore and why I disappeared so suddenly and so completely.
My interest in them has to be satisfied with an occasional word from others who are still in their circle of friends and a hope for that coincidental meeting in the mall or at the park.
I realise that in being unable to give the full particulars means that there will be the suggestion that the act of Christian forgiveness is the path to reconciliation. This is true, but the issue goes beyond that, forgiveness is achieved but the inability to trust them to be mindful of me in a relationship with them remains. It isn’t safe either spiritually or emotionally…
I believe I may be due another coffee with the psychologist… Dwelling on this could make me crazy.