April 11 is an auspicious day in Deeleeaville actually. Not a birthday but an Anniversary.
You see, last year April 11 was Easter Sunday and on Easter Sunday 2004 my world got turned upside down.
It’s a bit awkward really, because I could speak volumes about it and get into hot water if he were to stumble across this blog. I think it unlikely, but for safety’s sake let’s just that say on that day, someone I was in a very close relationship with was revealed to be something that he was not.
It’s a disturbing thing to find out that everything that you think about someone is false and the reverse is true; it is a truly disturbing thing to find out that everything you thought you were doing with that person is of no value and was to serve their own agenda. It is a distressing thing to find out that you have been played for a fool for the best part of 3 years and you were completely oblivious.
I guess that’s the definition of being played for a fool isn’t it?
So, I Severed All Ties. And haven’t seen him or any of the people he keeps company with for one whole year. I have never even bumped into him in town. Clearly our travelling circles have moved away from each other’s or I have been shielded by some force greater than my own wish not to meet him.
I am grateful for that and yet one year later I am tempted once again to touch base, to show him a little of my world now. To peek into his and see what has changed, if anything, if for good or for not. But I know that to do so is to invite more trouble than I ever want to see again and so, in spite of the loss that is to me I Abstain.
If I honestly thought that he would see just how badly damaged I was, and some of my friend too for that matter and if I thought that he would be able to look me in the eye and say “I am sorry” and know that he meant it I would feel as though a meeting might be valuable, might bring some closure to me.
But I know deep down this is not the case so I carry that little bit of unfinished business and keep trucking along.
Even for me to write and say “Look! I am well! I am succeeding without you!” might feel on the surface to actually close that final curtain on us, or to say “Actually, I am excelling without you!” would feel like a great thing to be able to just make that little dig, but it would achieve nothing and open a dangerous door.
So, I carry on. Accept that a chapter is closed and sigh that I could have been a lot worse of than I am.
I could still be with him and I am not.
That is good.
That is very good…unfinished business or not.
Well done for all you have achieved this year!
Yes, I think you’ve been shielded. God is good. maybe caring would be a better word in this situation. 1 year. So long, and yet not very long. It’s good to stop and see how far you’ve come.
Miss Lisa says
Yes, it IS very good. And you’re right, nothing has changed in the way he sees the world … so you would be merely making yourself feel bad … and then spend the next year beating yourself up for putting yourself in the situation! So, wise Dee, a year later you’re doing well and will continue to do so … after all, who hasn’t stood on the edge of a cliff and resisied the almost overwhelmng urge to jump … just to see what it would be like to fly … even if only briefly …..