April 11 is an auspicious day in Deeleeaville actually. Not a birthday but an Anniversary.
You see, last year April 11 was Easter Sunday and on Easter Sunday 2004 my world got turned upside down.
It’s a bit awkward really, because I could speak volumes about it and get into hot water if he were to stumble across this blog. I think it unlikely, but for safety’s sake let’s just that say on that day, someone I was in a very close relationship with was revealed to be something that he was not.
It’s a disturbing thing to find out that everything that you think about someone is false and the reverse is true; it is a truly disturbing thing to find out that everything you thought you were doing with that person is of no value and was to serve their own agenda. It is a distressing thing to find out that you have been played for a fool for the best part of 3 years and you were completely oblivious.
I guess that’s the definition of being played for a fool isn’t it?
So, I Severed All Ties. And haven’t seen him or any of the people he keeps company with for one whole year. I have never even bumped into him in town. Clearly our travelling circles have moved away from each other’s or I have been shielded by some force greater than my own wish not to meet him.
I am grateful for that and yet one year later I am tempted once again to touch base, to show him a little of my world now. To peek into his and see what has changed, if anything, if for good or for not. But I know that to do so is to invite more trouble than I ever want to see again and so, in spite of the loss that is to me I Abstain.
If I honestly thought that he would see just how badly damaged I was, and some of my friend too for that matter and if I thought that he would be able to look me in the eye and say “I am sorry” and know that he meant it I would feel as though a meeting might be valuable, might bring some closure to me.
But I know deep down this is not the case so I carry that little bit of unfinished business and keep trucking along.
Even for me to write and say “Look! I am well! I am succeeding without you!” might feel on the surface to actually close that final curtain on us, or to say “Actually, I am excelling without you!” would feel like a great thing to be able to just make that little dig, but it would achieve nothing and open a dangerous door.
So, I carry on. Accept that a chapter is closed and sigh that I could have been a lot worse of than I am.
I could still be with him and I am not.
That is good.
That is very good…unfinished business or not.