I write cautiously lest anyone a’reading feels bad that they had caused my grief… Tis naught but the cummulative effect.
The cummulative effect of time getting away from me and a web host who I’d like to give a good bitch slapping to… (btw what IS a bitch slapping? I use the word because it suits my mood, but basically I’d be up for any kind of good hard slapping…) (for the host … not me you naughty people…)
Anyway, the cummulative effect has seen me shed some tears this week, in fact it seems to me that the last few days tears have been always just under the suface ready to leap to the fore at the slightest prick of frustration, sorrow, disappointment or remorse.
I cried when Mañana left work to do something new. She’s the 4th of the sterling mob to have left in recent months and it’s a bitch to go to work without them there in the office.
I cried in worship at the leader’s meeting this evening. I usually cry when God’s around. I can, in my mind’s eye, see myself walking up to him, head down as usual because I’m such a wicked girl, and just walk straight into his shoulder, no hello or how do y’do. I walk straight into a bear hug of course, and holds me like he’ll never let go. Thank God there’s no bitch slapping from him, regardless of how I might feel I deserve it.
I’m teary now as I think about these things.
It’s the cummulative effect of the long list of things to do. Study, business and full time work. I’m on the verge of ‘something’s gotta give’ and I’m afraid the the give is in a decision to launch out and lose a day a week at the office so I can concentrate on the other two.
That would be a leap of faith.
Which is excacty where [the] Good Lord* likes to have me live. I haven’t lived there for a while.. the student days were a knife edge of faith for my finances… since the beginning of the business the cashflow is so improved that I haven’t had to worry there… of course there’s the cummulative effect of the last few weeks which have been a bit tight while I wait for invoices to come in but the cash is on the way… so it isn’t really faith…
It’s the cummulative effect of ceasing to pretend…
That I actually have it all together.
That my family is anything less than dysfunctional
That my weight isn’t an issue
That my singleness doesn’t grieve me when I just want to have someone share the load.
It’s the cummulative effect of change.
And let’s face it, change is the only constant in any life.
So I’m a walking accumulation… and tomorrow, I’ll sit with PIA, look at photos and probably shed some more tears but it will be worth it just to hang out with the head of the D-squad… my no 1 fan, my cheer squad – everyone needs someone like that when they’re fragile.
And actually I fully expect that tomorrow the the bloody web host will have fixed my permissions issues and will finally be clearing the way for Trivial Pursuit to go back online.
*Caro, I’m afraid that this is now God’s new name at Singular Scene – the [the] is there to differentiate between my Good Lord and yours…
Still laughing about him … (through the tears…)