So, I’m closing in on the end of Week 5 of University and the truth is, it’s been the most challenging series of weeks I’ve had in the last 10 years of my life. Forgive me if I sound maudlin, depressed, or otherwise not as upbeat as usual, but I’m trusting that having been on this journey that is my blog with me for nearly 5 years you guys have learned to take the rough with the smooth.
I don’t want to go into all the boring details really, suffice to say, the financial support I had been planning on to provide the bedrock for my life this year in the form of a Government allowance for my study was not forthcoming. There are various reasons for this, but the short answer from them is that my post-graduate course is not on the approved list and therefore their hands are tied.
*insert all manner of wailing and gnashing of teeth, and maybe a
little bit a shitload of swearing*
Now, before you panic, or you induce me to panic, I’ll point out that I do still run a business that brings in some income, I do still have a ‘one day a week’ nanny job (although there are times when I’m not required) and I still have babysitting that kicks in now and again, though my other regular sitting clients are in Europe for 2 months (downturn? what downturn?!). Anyway, I’m just saying the ‘allowance’ wasn’t my only egg in the basket but the prospect of it was, as I said, the bedrock. So it’s safe to say that the loss of that was akin to a small earthquake at Chez Deeleea.
The whole process has brought into sharp relief the fact that where I have never felt afraid of anything much in the last 10 years it really wasn’t until the loss of my financial security that I’ve felt the gut wrenching fear I’m sure a lot of other people are feeling in this current state of global economic woe. Needless to say, having lived with this feeling for the last 5 weeks has meant the thrill of being at uni has been somewhat tarnished. One the plus side it has left me with a very suppressed appetite (can anyone say ‘weightloss’?!).
I haven’t been blogging. Instead I’ve been flirting with a vague depression I’m trying very had to prevent from going all the way into a tussle with what has never been a black dog, but could very well be a rather dirty grey.
I am, of course drawing on every bit of spiritual and emotional support my faith gives me and am happy that it is really helping, but I don’t want to bore you with those details, you think I’m half mad already… I don’t want to prove you ‘all the way’ right…
The thought occurred to me today, if in fact all of this came crashing down around me, what’s the worst that can happen?
I could admit defeat, quit uni and find a job. I would have lost the cost of this term’s fees, but I’ll still have a roof. I could pack up my life, sell all my stuff and book a ticket for me and Lulu to go home to NZ. That would have its benefits too, can anyone say ‘niece and nephew time’? The thing I’m coming to realise is, it’s all a matter of perspective. Realistically, if I find that I can’t cope on what I’m earning and the small help I’ve received from emergency sources I could see out this semester and drop to part time for the next one, that could work. It would be a pain, but it could work.
I belivee things will work out fine and that this (what I hope will be short) period is proving a great lesson in terms of just what it is I can survive without. Alcohol, dessert, chocolate, pre-made food, restaurants, movies, dvd rentals, takeaways, new clothes, and even my daily skim flat white are all rendered unnecessary. And I’m doing ok with that, yes, even without the coffee!
I’ll take each day as it comes, because really, in the grand scheme of things, what’s the worst that can happen?
Addendum… I just checked my mail to find a response from a woman for whom I’ve given a quote for a regular website updating job. I need to call her tomorrow to follow up… Keep your fingers crossed for me, if this comes off the way I hope it to it will make up for the dastardly deeds of the Centrelink (govt) agents. And if it doesn’t? I’ll have a wee cry and a pray and trust that there’ll be something else around the corner.