When I started this blog the whole focus, as is apparent in its name, was my singular status and my various attempts to remedy my singularity in favour of attaining a cooperative life at some point in the future… Well, here we are 6 years later and that future hasn’t happened.
It makes me wonder why this is so, and I wonder too what would change if my status did, and on top if these thoughts, as I sit here on the sidelines of a turmoil of someone else’s making, I also hesitantly breathe a sigh of relief that, as a single woman, I’m not at risk of quite the same pain. Because it’s the ones whom you love the most who have the greatest capacity to cause the very deepest hurt.
My visit home to NZ came with great joy, the thrill of being the surprise guest at my sister’s birthday party was worth all the effort of going; totally worth the sacrifice of both cash and available working hours just to see her face when I arrived. But the trip was also worth being there there to share the tears when events unfolded and we watched someone we love close the book on their relationship; walking away after 10 years. Walking through those waters would have been so much harder if done on foreign shores – and even though it’s not my little immediate family that’s being torn apart it is close and one I love very much and because of that I share a part in their heartbreak too.
We have such expectations of those closest to us, that we’ll do the right thing, that we’ll act honourably but we’re all human, we all act in our own self interest and regardless of circumstances that lead us to choose a path it is our character that determines what choices we make. I’ve seen bad choices this weekend, I’ve seen character flaws I really I hadn’t seen before and I’m just so disappointed. I didn’t want to be let down, I didn’t want to be surprised by love dying. I didn’t want to believe my kin were capable of choosing so poorly.
I want to turn back the clock, for them and for me – and I want to fix it. But the mess isn’t mine to clean up and I am powerless to put things back together. I can’t undo choices made and I can’t ameliorate the damage.
So I sit here, with my heart just a bit more broken than it was on Friday and I wonder, once again, if I’m not better off.