In the dim and distant past when I first embraced expatriate living in the US (Washington D.C.), I somehow came across a copy of the The Bone People
It has occurred to me recently that I don’t really miss those familiar things any more – a trip to a NZ supermarket recently only netted a packet of Twisties (Seriously, follow the link – it’s a 1980’s ad – memory lane for me!) which were disappointing in the extreme, and a Pinky Bar (never disappointing). But by and large, if I really want any of those old (unhealthy) favourites, I can usually find them somewhere here… Don’t get me wrong, I still LOVE Kiwiana in all its kitschy glory, but those old familiars don’t fill me with a desire to be back amongst them. They’re a nostalgic, warm memory of my heritage and my history. But they’re not so much really ME any more.
I’m thinking about these things because while I was in the airport on the way home I picked up the book I’ve just finished – Cut & Run: When the Truth is No Protection
In reading it, as before, I just loved the element of familiarity; reading street names and suburbs I know well and hearing the accent of my people in the character’s voices. But this time, in contrast to the last, while I was warmed by the connection, I wasn’t so reassured by it as I have been in the past, I’ve been trying to work out why this is so, and I’ve concluded the following.
While I identify with New Zealand in all it’s wonderful gorgeous glory – I’m no longer identified by it.
Does this mean I’m now identified by my Australian citizenship? No, I just think I’m about more than where I’m from… unless of course you consider my ‘digital citizenship’ which raises a whole other set of ideas about identity…
:: Quick Disclaimer:: Now, before my family read this and freak out that I’m NEVER coming back – I never say never – and I LOVE NZ and that I’m from there… it’s just that, well, I’ve lived here in Sydney, in THIS part of Sydney longer than I’ve lived anywhere else… ever.::
P.S. Of course all of the above could simply be interpreted as me not loving Cut & Run like I did the Bone People… *shrugs*
Fascinating post; thank you. It brought up some questions in my mind about how I see, and define, myself.
I wondered about ‘Twisties’ and its availability until I saw that wondrous ad — and Googled — and realised the NZ product is different to the Oz product. And I’ve noted down those books; any other ‘NZ literature’ you’d recommend. Shamefully I’ve read more books from Germany than NZ.
Email me your address and I’ll send you Cut and Run! It’s pretty good!
Funny isn’t it… I no longer feel the pull of “home”, family yes. NZ no. I love being a Kiwi, I will forever identify myself so, will always be proud to hear God Defend NZ, to see the All Blacks do the Haka… but now, Australia is home. My adult life has been spent here – one third of my life has now been on this side of the ditch…
Guess I better get round to getting citizenship…
Exactly, home – no family YES!
and as for citizenship als YES!
I’m kinda starting to feel that way about NSW … don’t even watch the Sydney news anymore – it’s just a place to holiday … and see the family :) .. I know, it’s still the same country TECHNICALLY … in lots of ways it TOTALLY isn’t!
Digital citizenship? Sounds like a thesis paper.
I identify with this post. :) Not because I identify with Sydney or Utah – but because I identified with America and now that I’m back I realize I don’t really identify with anywhere! lol. Going back and forth between Utah and California – which may as well be different countries for how dissimilar they are … I think I’m finally realizing we are who we are wherever we are and it’s about who we are and not where we are.
Thanks for the offer…I’d already reserved them at my local library — it has them. :)
I would love to visit New Zealand. I have always drifted to thoughts of moving to Australia. There is something there that draws me.
They are both pretty fabulous places!
As you know, it will be FIVE years this Christmas (can you believe it?!?) since I left DC and returned to South Africa. Although I’m WAY more independent now than I was back in the States during my last few years there, and while it’s great to be near family, I can honestly tell you that the last time I was TRULY happy was when I was in DC.
Perhaps it’s because we have so many problems in South Africa (the endless and nerve-wracking violent crime, the corrupt politicians, the poverty, etc., etc.), but I don’t feel any sense of belonging here anymore. Sure, there was that magical month during the World Cup when there was an electric energy in the air, but it was short-lived and it left with the last teams. The sports headlines have resorted back to the usual mayhem and murder and now even media freedom is under threat!
But politics aside, I’m not sure if my disconnect from the place stems from my hatred for what it has become, or if I really did just stay away for too long in the first place. Maybe Thomas Wolfe was right when he wrote that you can’t go home again!