So,  I still do the nanny thing.  I’ve a couple of regular clients who I babysit for, a few new ones who keep me in cash on the weekends but one large scale weekly job where I spend a good few hours a week with two rather precious preschool individuals.

We’ve got a great relationship, the family are stars and I love them to bits.  But the difficult thing with this kind of work is that business relationships very soon dissolve into familial friendships.  This isn’t a bad thing but it does make the financials occasionally awkward.  Like on Friday when I was offered a few extra hours early next week.  A good thing, to be sure.  But awkward in that I usually won’t leave my house for less than four hours and I’m being asked to come in for three.

Should I be bothered?

Possibly not, maybe I’m just being a bit mercenary… but when I raise the issue and say “you realise I’ll be charging you for four hours” I was a bit bummed for my friend and my boss to be surprised, and apparently a little hurt that I’d suggest such a thing…

I’ve checked my emails, I definitely stated way back in the beginning last year that my minimum is four but the kicker for me was to hear the statement  “because it’s us”.  To say such a thing implies there’s an expectation that I’d not stick to that rule because of everything they already do for me, and because we’re ‘friends’.  And the truth is, rather than mar the relationship I caved and am going for three and will only charge them for those three.

Maybe I am being selfish, but the truth is I was just a bit irked that familiarity had bred contempt so soon…

I had a plan. A bold, smart plan.  Catch the bus into town, replace my travel concession ticket due to stupid loss of my uni student card, then head to the State Library to spend the day researching my next major essay. How hard can it be, right?

Yeah… not hard… unless… you find yourself getting an attack of ‘teh blonde’…

Read on… this is how the day ACTUALLY panned out…

6.30 Bloody Cat wakes me up.
6:31 Kick Bloody Cat out of bedroom and wedge the bedroom door shut so she can’t break back in (has been known to happen).
8:00* Slap alarm clock and get up, shower, dress, eat breakfast etc.
8:50 Walk up to bus-stop
8:55 Ride the bus to town on pre-paid ‘travel-ten’ ticket fare. The last fare left of the original 10.
9:40 Alight at Wynyard Station (bus terminated here) so decide to walk to Central Station rather than buy another fare as didn’t have prepaid and wanted to avail myself of usual student concession.
10:10 Arrive at Central Station and search for the designated Concessions Office.
10:20 Finally find it. Walk in and present self to Officer and hand over the requisite documentation.  Open Backpack to find wallet.
10:21 Turn bag inside out, checking every pocket for wallet.
10:22 Repeat.
10:23 Give Up in disgust and despair.
10:24 Note that only cash I have is at the bottom of the bag and amounts to $2.05.  Observe rather desperately that cash for bus across the bridge to retrieve wallet does not cost $2.05. Is twice that…
10:25 Remind self…good air in;bad air out.
10:27 Call old boss who just so happens to live very near Central Station and snag his home phone number in the hope his Gorgeous Mrs. is home… and that she is feeling magnanimous…
10:30 Sigh of relief that she is, and she is.
10:35 Walk up to Castlereagh St and meet Miss 9 at Reception.
10:36 Travel up to the apartment and have a nice cup of tea and a sit down with Gorgeous Mrs. which, incidentally, includes entertainment from Miss 4 who is, in short, a Party of One. Go past ‘Go’ and collect $5.
11:10 Head back downstairs and walk back up to Wynyard to catch bus back across the bridge.
11:30 Buy Ticket, say goodbye to $4.20. Get comfy while waiting for bus.
11:45 Get on Bus.
12:15 Get Home.

I was so fed up, of course, that I decided not to bother going back across the Bridge, wasting more time sitting in the bus, or more money paying for tolls and car parking so instead, spent the day alternately freaking out that my day was wasted and actually starting to consolidating the data I had managed to find for this essay.

The thing about all this business is that on days like this I’m reminded just how important it is for my emotional landscape to have my life under control and just how infuriating it is to get tripped up by my own stupidity.

However, in its favour, a day like yesterday makes me work that much harder NOT to let it happen next time around and so today I’ve had to get my ducks in a row to get some control back.  Consequently, I’ve had to make a tough decision that means that I’ve withdrawn completely from the ‘Bigger than Big’ thing happening in the city next week. I would love to go, and as always, I’d love to be taking the pictures… particularly as it’s a great chance to catch up with a bunch of my friends in the movement who don’t live locally… but I really don’t think I can take 3 days out of my uni assessment and freelancing schedule to make it happen this year.  Given that this will be the first time I’ve missed Presence in the 10 years I’ve been in Oz, it’s going to be weird not to go.  Weird… and a little disappointing.

However, I believe it will pay off… both in terms of achieving the results I want on the assessment, and as importantly, it will help smooth out my emotional world and give me back some of the feeling of actually being back in control…

…at least until the next attack of ‘teh blonde.’

*bet you’re jealous… student life has its compensations…

So, I’m closing in on the end of Week 5 of University and the truth is, it’s been the most challenging series of weeks I’ve had in the last 10 years of my life. Forgive me if I sound maudlin, depressed, or otherwise not as upbeat as usual, but I’m trusting that having been on this journey that is my blog with me for nearly 5 years you guys have learned to take the rough with the smooth. 

I don’t want to go into all the boring details really, suffice to say, the financial support I had been planning on to provide the bedrock for my life this year in the form of a Government allowance for my study was not forthcoming.  There are various reasons for this, but the short answer from them is that my post-graduate course is not on the approved list and therefore their hands are tied.

*insert all manner of wailing and gnashing of teeth, and maybe a little bit a shitload of swearing*

Now, before you panic, or you induce me to panic, I’ll point out that I do still run a business that brings in some income, I do still have a ‘one day a week’ nanny job (although there are times when I’m not required) and I still have babysitting that kicks in now and again, though my other regular sitting clients are in Europe for 2 months (downturn? what downturn?!).  Anyway, I’m just saying the ‘allowance’ wasn’t my only egg in the basket but the prospect of it was, as I said, the bedrock.  So it’s safe to say that the loss of that was akin to a small earthquake at Chez Deeleea.

The whole process has brought into sharp relief the fact that where I have never felt afraid of anything much in the last 10 years it really wasn’t until the loss of my financial security that I’ve felt the gut wrenching fear I’m sure a lot of other people are feeling in this current state of global economic woe.  Needless to say, having lived with this feeling for the last 5 weeks has meant the thrill of being at uni has been somewhat tarnished. One the plus side it has left me with a very suppressed appetite (can anyone say ‘weightloss’?!).

I haven’t been blogging. Instead I’ve been flirting with a vague depression I’m trying very had to prevent from going all the way into a tussle with what has never been a black dog, but could very well be a rather dirty grey.   

I am, of course drawing on every bit of spiritual and emotional support my faith gives me and am happy that it is really helping, but I don’t want to bore you with those details, you think I’m half mad already… I don’t want to prove you ‘all the way’ right…

The thought occurred to me today, if in fact all of this came crashing down around me, what’s the worst that can happen? 

I could admit defeat, quit uni and find a job. I would have lost the cost of this term’s fees, but I’ll still have a roof. I could  pack up my life, sell all my stuff and book a ticket for me and Lulu to go home to NZ. That would have its benefits too, can anyone say ‘niece and nephew time’?  The thing I’m coming to realise is, it’s all a matter of perspective.  Realistically, if I find that I can’t cope on what I’m earning and the small help I’ve received from emergency sources I could see out this semester and drop to part time for the next one, that could work.  It would be a pain, but it could work.

I belivee things will work out fine and that this (what I hope will be short) period is proving a great lesson in terms of just what it is I can survive without.  Alcohol, dessert, chocolate, pre-made food, restaurants, movies, dvd rentals, takeaways, new clothes, and even my daily skim flat white are all rendered unnecessary.  And I’m doing ok with that, yes, even without the coffee!

I’ll take each day as it comes, because really, in the grand scheme of things, what’s the worst that can happen?

Addendum… I just checked my mail to find a response from a woman for whom I’ve given a quote for a regular website updating job.  I need to call her tomorrow to follow up… Keep your fingers crossed for me, if this comes off the way I hope it to it will make up for the dastardly deeds of the Centrelink (govt) agents.  And if it doesn’t?  I’ll have a wee cry and a pray and trust that there’ll be something else around the corner.