Singular Scene

So Singular in Each Particular

All Atwitch

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I am jangly, twitchy-itchy, unfocussed and distracted.

I am feeling the burden of creativity and the lack of an outlet for it. I need a piano and a piece of manuscript for an hour, an uninterupted afternoon with the camera, a paintbox and easel… Something, anything to calm the harried beast!!!

Arrrgh.

This weekend will see me working, I went back to the agency and arranged more sitting on babies, so, after last night, another 2 evenings straight will be spent doing sites while I watch Lifestyle on Fox and [hopefully] the tiddlers sleep. It’s totally brilliant for earning cash but less brilliant for soothing creative nerves.

I need to sing actually, I am missing Jonah – and strokingly for my ego they are missing me. Kirk keeps me up to date with the latest repertoire (a John Lenon classic this term) and also serves to keep me focussed on going back there next term where my solo awaits me for the end of year concert at the Basement. Happily they are singing in a local church service next Sunday evening so if you’re keen to come along and hear them let me know and I’ll save you a seat (and tell you where to find them!!!).

Mr Africa hasn’t emailed me this morning… the first day he’s missed, and like a total girl I’m wondering if it’s something I said! What is it about us girls that leaps immediately to that conclusion? Intellectually I know I’m being a complete twit but I really missed getting up this morning and cacking myself over the next installment…

So, the jangles probably have two pathologies actually. Actually, I’m dying to write to him because to do so calms both the creative beast and tantilises the girly princess but I’m refusing to do so for fear of looking like a total needy-stalker…

[shakes head pathetically and has another coffee…]

Ed. do you think adding caffiene induced jangling is a good idea?…

Dee. Shut up Ed.

Count Me In

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He moved in today.

The Count, I mean.

I think it’s going to be ok, I will probably get used to the toilet seat being up won’t I? I feel like it should irritate me but do you think it’s something I should make an issue about? I’m not sure, because if I get piqued about that already when there are likely to be more irritating things to get piqued about in the future I might be going half the way towards making this more difficult than it’s going to be.

I actually think I might have a few bad habits to break myself and may in fact not be a prize to live with having set the tone and embarassed myself already by forgetting that there is now a bloke about who is not used to living with girls in the house. I made the mistake of leaving certain girly things lying around in the bathroom and going out in a hurry to come home and find he’s been home and in the bathroom making his way around my unmentionables and doing his laundry…

Good grief… I think I should be living alone….

Lazy Saturday

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I have been asleep for the last 4 hours, I can hardly believe it! I crashed on the sofa at 1 and woke around 4.30. It can’t be good to be that wrecked. It really cant.

I am babysitting tonight at 8pm, a late start which is likely to mean a late finish! Yikes… Looks like tomorrow will be another sleepy day too…

Not much else is news at the moment, the Count was supposed to call today before dropping off more gear but I’ve not heard from him, probably just as well as he would have woken me up and I would have been cranky… I think it’s the fact that I couldn’t tell him on Thursday just what time I would be home so he could plan his day that he didn’t make it.

I went to dinner at Tez’s house last night, dinner for 4. It was a cool time and once again I left thinking “He just isn’t into you”. This is ok, I am “just not into him” most of the time and yet we still get people asking us what’s going on with each other? Bizarre but true.

Thinking it might be pizza night tonight, I have little in the fridge to inspire cooking and can’t be bothered leaving the house till it’s time to go to work… will let my fingers do the walking and pizza hut to do the driving….

Yum… now, what to choose for the topping…

Singularly Safe

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There’s a line in the movie “Something’s Gotta Give” which goes something like this

Marin (Amanda Peet): … “I’m just not cut out for this kind of drama. “
Erica (Dianne Keaton): “I think it’s the drama in life that makes you strong.”

The context of the quote is Erica is falling apart because a relationship has ended and Marin, who can’t bear the emotional upheaval of that kind of situation, is outlining her reasons for avoiding any sort of relationship that leaves you in that kind of state.

I know how she feels and I wonder if part of the reason there are so many single girls in my acquaintance is that we make that choice to withold and actually withdraw from emotional interaction unless we know it’s safe from hurt.

But really… is it ever safe? Even those relationships that one expects to be the safest rarely are. Family relationships change, pets are not around forever. The truth is, however much we try and avoid it, whether we like it or not, emotional upheaval is a part of life.

I hate that, because I have a tendency to think like Marin. Safest is easiest, I mean, I haven’t even watched the movie ‘Titanic’ from beginning to end… I can’t bear getting that involved with the characters because I know how the movie ends.

So, here I am 36 years old, never having had a really intimate, long term relationship and I can’t help wondering if those sentiments have influenced my relationship life. It is easy to say, “I just don’t think the right guy has come along…” but the fact is, would I have recognized him? Could he have been any number of the guys I have met and discarded at first sight because it was safer not to get involved?

Does my internal thought about relationships create an atmosphere of unavailability around me? I know a heap of guys who are awesome and single and while a lot of what I hear around the place is that they are useless and don’t bother to ask the amazing single girls around here out I have to ask myself, if I was coming across as a little less distant would they would change their tune?… I mean, it’s a two way street right?

So that’s what some of this year has been about… making a decision to take a risk… So, when someone asks I’m going to say YES* even if at first sight I might have thought NO…

At least I’ll be getting out more …

*axe wielding maniacs excepted, of course