A novel’s worth of pictures… saves the brain space of writing

Good old fashioned fun… Luna Park Sydney Harbour. Pix By me!

Bliss is back in town… I swear, she appears as often in this blog now as she did before she left Sydney!

Anyhow, the Famous Four, Tez, Surf, Bliss and I are hooking up to have dinner. And, in light of events surrounding the last Pizza Night^TM and on top of the week I have had it really isn’t a night I am delighted about…

Don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to seeing them because the dynamic we have is unlike any other group of friends I socialise with. It is incredible to have a group of people you can be totally honest with and who are totally honest with you… It feels great to have guys in that group and get their perspective and insight. I totally love it.

So, I have really missed Tez, I haven’t actually seen him since the last Pizza Night^TM and its subsequent declarations and revelations. Arrrgh.

I keep telling myself I am totally cool with it and that I don’t squish when I see him any more… It’s basically true, but tonight, is like, you know, the first time we have seen each other and I am expecting some residual weirdness. Not from him, he’s the ‘guy’ and not the one who got knocked back… Nah, that was me…

Big Sigh.

So, I will put on my brave face, for the 1st half an hour, or at least until I have climbed halfway down the bottle of red which sits, as we speak, on the front seat of my car.

After that, all bets are off.

Last night I had a great night with Couch (is it ok if I call you that?) and Bliss (who is in town on business this week) Hooray!!!! Over delicious Italian we got discussing our lives and where they are going and what God is doing in our worlds and I started to talk about my business.

(Let me preface by saying that in my mind I am not a business woman, not by any stretch, and yet I am a woman with a business… yikes) Anyhow, as I was talking about what has been happening, and talking about the site I am designing for it I started to feel God on it. (Now; this may be a bit weird and penetecostal for some readers. That’s ok, I will do my best to explain throughout the post so as to alleviate the weirdness…)

I have found in living a life of faith that I’ve had times where I do what I can do and I let God have a hold of the rest. I started a job and things didn’t go so well, but because I believed that it was a God plan in the beginning, I hoped and prayed and trusted that things will come around. And they did. They came around in such a way that it seems bizarre that once I was a secretary and now I am a website administrator and interface creator and it totally blows my mind! In fact in the immortal words from that song in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang “From the ashes of disaster grow the roses of success!”

So, I find myself doing these crazy jobs and getting great feedback and begin to plan this business but the confidence tricksters came along and levelled me… taking me to that… ‘this is never going to happen’ point and ‘what’s the use’ zone. So, I pulled back and filed it in the too hard basket.

This is how I often operate. Something sounds like a good idea, I pick it up and run with it as far as my confidence will take me and then peter out until the next thing comes along. Confidence will only go so far, my own ability only goes so far. But, the God factor can take over where the confidence and ability leaves off and bring a whole, new, supernatural dimension to circumstance and blow myr mind!

So, here I am, my website has been in mothballs because I couldn’t face the next step to putting it out there in case people actually thought it looked good and I had to deal with new projects… Not a fear of failure.. more a fear of success!!!! And… in discussion with Couch and Bliss as I described what I was working on and how I could see it all happening and what sort of market I was hoping to appeal to, I started to get that tingly, teary feeling I get when God shows up. This kind of tells me that he is at the end of the risk… looking back in is eternal view of time going “Dee… step out… take the risk… I can see it all working out just fine, in fact… beyond your wildest dreams”

I mean, really, what have I got to lose? Nothing! Just time. It isn’t as though, at this stage, I have a whole lot of money tied up in the business, it isn’t like I am risking anything but pride.

So I have been working feverishly since on the site and am 3 pages down and 1 or 2 to go…

I’ll let you know when it’s ready… If I can keep the confidence tricksters at bay…

I am keeping my head down.

Our community of faith get fairly heavily involved in some major projects. Projects that have an international profile. Projects I have been heavily involved in (read integral to) in the past. The year from hell has changed all that and now I am not involved in these projects. Not involved at all.

So, tomorrow marks the latest project and while I have been sought out a bit in recent weeks to have some kind of involvment this time around I am Steering Clear.

I am Steering Clear because I want to have an out, so that I don’t have to go if I don’t feel like I want to walk back into that particular lion’s den and partly because to go back there means revisiting feelings and situations I want nothing more to do with. I’m opting for emotional safety.

This is somewhat tied up with feelings I expressed in the Knowing My Place posting actually, but the timing isn’t great for any of it. So tomorrow, I may in fact stay home and let things carry on regardless.

But then I have to ask myself, will I kick myself forever for staying away. Will I hold the finished product in my hand and go… “I should have been there”

I haven’t a clue and am very much just keeping my options open. Actually, until this afternoon I had been expecting Bet to attend with me. But today she said she is unavailable… so now my external discipline to go is no longer there and I am toying with the idea of staying in and watching CSI… To even go over the feelings involved is too draining, so this is a rather strange and unconnected post.

Sorry about that. Maybe things will be clearer later; once I have gone and faced the fear.

Or not.