Well, dinner went.

It went ok.

Nice steak, salad was good, conversation was business as usual.

Mmm that’s not strictly true. Conversation was not strictly business as usual. The conversation had weirdness.

As anticipated I was Out of Sorts. Not just because of the expected weirdness factor (previous post). That was part of it, but it was on top of the Big Project, issues with Church and Work, and family relationships which aren’t in their usual happy state. That and issues with being On the Shelf. This doesn’t usually bother me. I am great at being single but as more members of my family have kids I am less great with the still not a mother thing.

Anyway, that’s all an aside, the issue at hand really is the evening’s weirdnes. Conversation didn’t flow as usual. It was my fault, I was unusually reticent last night, partly because I am angry about lots of these things (above) and an angry deeleea, while it amuses Surf, is more prone to tears than tantrums. The reticence was protective too. I mean, Tez knocked me back before and now he knows how I felt, which makes me vulnerable still, which means he can anticipate how I might feel when things change.

And things have changed.

Tez has got himself a girlfriend.

Like I said,

Game Over.

A novel’s worth of pictures… saves the brain space of writing

Good old fashioned fun… Luna Park Sydney Harbour. Pix By me!

Bliss is back in town… I swear, she appears as often in this blog now as she did before she left Sydney!

Anyhow, the Famous Four, Tez, Surf, Bliss and I are hooking up to have dinner. And, in light of events surrounding the last Pizza Night^TM and on top of the week I have had it really isn’t a night I am delighted about…

Don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to seeing them because the dynamic we have is unlike any other group of friends I socialise with. It is incredible to have a group of people you can be totally honest with and who are totally honest with you… It feels great to have guys in that group and get their perspective and insight. I totally love it.

So, I have really missed Tez, I haven’t actually seen him since the last Pizza Night^TM and its subsequent declarations and revelations. Arrrgh.

I keep telling myself I am totally cool with it and that I don’t squish when I see him any more… It’s basically true, but tonight, is like, you know, the first time we have seen each other and I am expecting some residual weirdness. Not from him, he’s the ‘guy’ and not the one who got knocked back… Nah, that was me…

Big Sigh.

So, I will put on my brave face, for the 1st half an hour, or at least until I have climbed halfway down the bottle of red which sits, as we speak, on the front seat of my car.

After that, all bets are off.

Last night I had a great night with Couch (is it ok if I call you that?) and Bliss (who is in town on business this week) Hooray!!!! Over delicious Italian we got discussing our lives and where they are going and what God is doing in our worlds and I started to talk about my business.

(Let me preface by saying that in my mind I am not a business woman, not by any stretch, and yet I am a woman with a business… yikes) Anyhow, as I was talking about what has been happening, and talking about the site I am designing for it I started to feel God on it. (Now; this may be a bit weird and penetecostal for some readers. That’s ok, I will do my best to explain throughout the post so as to alleviate the weirdness…)

I have found in living a life of faith that I’ve had times where I do what I can do and I let God have a hold of the rest. I started a job and things didn’t go so well, but because I believed that it was a God plan in the beginning, I hoped and prayed and trusted that things will come around. And they did. They came around in such a way that it seems bizarre that once I was a secretary and now I am a website administrator and interface creator and it totally blows my mind! In fact in the immortal words from that song in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang “From the ashes of disaster grow the roses of success!”

So, I find myself doing these crazy jobs and getting great feedback and begin to plan this business but the confidence tricksters came along and levelled me… taking me to that… ‘this is never going to happen’ point and ‘what’s the use’ zone. So, I pulled back and filed it in the too hard basket.

This is how I often operate. Something sounds like a good idea, I pick it up and run with it as far as my confidence will take me and then peter out until the next thing comes along. Confidence will only go so far, my own ability only goes so far. But, the God factor can take over where the confidence and ability leaves off and bring a whole, new, supernatural dimension to circumstance and blow myr mind!

So, here I am, my website has been in mothballs because I couldn’t face the next step to putting it out there in case people actually thought it looked good and I had to deal with new projects… Not a fear of failure.. more a fear of success!!!! And… in discussion with Couch and Bliss as I described what I was working on and how I could see it all happening and what sort of market I was hoping to appeal to, I started to get that tingly, teary feeling I get when God shows up. This kind of tells me that he is at the end of the risk… looking back in is eternal view of time going “Dee… step out… take the risk… I can see it all working out just fine, in fact… beyond your wildest dreams”

I mean, really, what have I got to lose? Nothing! Just time. It isn’t as though, at this stage, I have a whole lot of money tied up in the business, it isn’t like I am risking anything but pride.

So I have been working feverishly since on the site and am 3 pages down and 1 or 2 to go…

I’ll let you know when it’s ready… If I can keep the confidence tricksters at bay…