I am keeping my head down.

Our community of faith get fairly heavily involved in some major projects. Projects that have an international profile. Projects I have been heavily involved in (read integral to) in the past. The year from hell has changed all that and now I am not involved in these projects. Not involved at all.

So, tomorrow marks the latest project and while I have been sought out a bit in recent weeks to have some kind of involvment this time around I am Steering Clear.

I am Steering Clear because I want to have an out, so that I don’t have to go if I don’t feel like I want to walk back into that particular lion’s den and partly because to go back there means revisiting feelings and situations I want nothing more to do with. I’m opting for emotional safety.

This is somewhat tied up with feelings I expressed in the Knowing My Place posting actually, but the timing isn’t great for any of it. So tomorrow, I may in fact stay home and let things carry on regardless.

But then I have to ask myself, will I kick myself forever for staying away. Will I hold the finished product in my hand and go… “I should have been there”

I haven’t a clue and am very much just keeping my options open. Actually, until this afternoon I had been expecting Bet to attend with me. But today she said she is unavailable… so now my external discipline to go is no longer there and I am toying with the idea of staying in and watching CSI… To even go over the feelings involved is too draining, so this is a rather strange and unconnected post.

Sorry about that. Maybe things will be clearer later; once I have gone and faced the fear.

Or not.

As I type I am loving the sensation of seeing words appear as my fingers move apparently randomly across the keyboard, I am a proud touch typist. However I am embarassed to admit that as I taught myself from a school textbook, borrowed from the library, I don’t type with the little finger on my right hand. This is simply because I didn’t complete the programme. I ran out of steam. I am sure I would be a lot more accurate if I actually made myself use it to cover letters like p, and the . but most of the time I let my ring finger handle it. What can I say? I start a lot better than I finish…

I think it’s common knowledge that I work for a religious organization, right? If you missed that somewhere along the line this post would have sounded a bit bizarre… And it follows, of course, that I am of a ‘religious’ [read Christian] persuasion… Anyhoo, that’s the context for knowing my place.

I came to Sydney to study singing which I did, full time, over a period of 3 years. I made that decision to leave home at all of 31 years old because I felt very strongly that I fit in the position known in my circles as worship leader (vocalist part of the band/team leading the congregation in a worship service), and I felt that I needed to get better equipped to do it well.

College was a great time, I got a much richer understanding of that role and of my voice, and developed a confidence that I was actually capable of taking that role on and actually excelling at it. So it may surprise you to know that I am not singing in church at all.

There are a myriad of circumstances that put me in this place rather than the other. Some of them were not so good and make it really difficult to see the road back. Circumstances that brought lots and lots of deals to work through to stand on stage again in front of a church full of people, to be part of the team and get up at a sparrow’s fart to sing on Sundays.

The reason I am thinking about it is that the one place I do still sing in a worship leading role is in the staff meeting at work. (Our staff meeting looks just like church but just a lot smaller.) Staff meeting has had its challenges over the last months but today it was rocking.

Today I felt like I was in the right place.

Damn

Now I have to work out all the crap that is keeping me in the wrong one the rest of the time.

Hmmm, this meme business has caught up with me again… Thanks Red!

So, I am instructed to list 10 things I haven’t done, and as Red has done, and Claypot before her I am going to list 10 things I’ve not done, and 10 this I have.

If I can remember that many.

1. Broken European Law.Speeding around Esher… without having my licence with me … Court Appearance … and a fine.
2. Spent more than one night in hospital.Tonsils at age 4 …1 night. Allergy attack at age 20… 4 hours.
3. Kissed a Fur Seal.I was young…so was he… it was at a Marine Park… Tasted fishy.
4. Kissed the Blarney Stone. Went to the castle but wasn’t game to spend money to kiss a rock a million other lips had been kissing. You just don’t know where they’ve been!
5. Spent way too much money on beer and cigarettes. Another Europe experience… Cheap Greek cigarettes duty free (yuk) and waaaay too much beer…
6. Fallen out of Bed. Once I’m out to it I don’t move… sometimes I even wake up with pins and needles because I haven’t moved.
7. Spent the night with a man old enough to be my father. Afraid so, on the package deal Europe adventure… Actually was potentially a Blarney stone experience… kissing lips that had kissed a thousand before me for sure… so we slept… and that’s all… (really!)
8. Walked the Milford Track.Haven’t, but want to
9. Fallen flat on my face. Just before I came to Australia. Stitches required… my hands were too busy protecting the camera to worry about protecting me…
10. Gone 24 hours without sleep. Came close but it’s never happened… Happy to think it’s never going to happen… Sleep is waaaay to good to miss.
11. Lived on 3 continents.Europe, US, Australia, four if you call NZ part of Oceania.
12. Worn a size 12.Maybe when I was 12
13. Travelled 30,000 miles on a train.Washington DC to Florida, back up to Chicago, all the way across to Seattle, down to San Diego, through Flagstaff to Chicago, across to Buffalo NY, NYC and back to DC. Took 6 weeks
14. Permed my hair.Like Semele said, can’t image it… ick. Have changed the colour though…
15. Eaten horsemeat. Yep, in Europe… Barbequed. Unremarkable in taste if I recall correctly
16. Watched Titanic from beginning to end.What’s the point in watching a movie when you know how it ends? That’s my story and I’m sticking to it… The other story is that I HATE sad movies
17. Lived on a farm.From age 0 to 18
18. Worn platform shoes.Feet planted firmly on the ground.
19. Been in an abusive relationship.Not a lover or a family member though.
20. Found a 4 leaf clover. Still looking

(I’ll give you a clue, haven’t dones and have dones alternate…)